i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
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i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
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I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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