apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
