Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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