the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
