I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
