The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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