Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
