He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
