so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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