I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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