I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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