remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
