ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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