Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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