Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
