I was born with a shot glass in my hand
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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