Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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