He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i out mim tonsoeep
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
