I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
