you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
