We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
