He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
