he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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