My sheets look like a crime scene.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's never too late to be topless.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
