1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Quick, to the slutcave!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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