My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
