i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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