I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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