He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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