does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
