So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
