Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
