Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Drunk is not a location!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
