Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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