I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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