hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
