Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring