I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...