i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money