OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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