i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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