The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
