I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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