Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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