Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
