Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
