I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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