another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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