On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
