Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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