I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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