you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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