just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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