I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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