girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
