Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
